CW01: back to work

07.01.2024

First weekend of the year, and the weather has been completely miserable. In times like this, when it has rained for three days and my mood is utterly garbage, I remember why I couldn’t be in Scotland forever. I need the sun, which seems like a mild and very human statement, but I cannot make myself feel normal when it’s grey and cloudy.

January is such a terrible month, followed by another terrible month. I want to go into hibernation and wake up in March.

THE OUTFITS

Day 1: first day of the year. Writing the newsletter on NYE was very cathartic, it made me aware of certain behavioural patterns relating to spending time with my family that made me enjoy them more. We chatted, made jokes, fixed a sink (well I didn’t, but I took pictures of it happening).

I read a romcom that was so promising at first, but then turned on me and got SO BORING. That is a romcom crime I cannot forgive… Sassy sisters trope was a big part of the book and I truly couldn't care less about the sisters characters. I love romcoms, I love love, I do not like romcoms that could have ended within the first 150 pages. At this point I should say the book was recommended to me and I don’t regret reading it, because the first 75% was ROMCOM GOOD. But the last 15% disappointed me.

Ah well, there’s Ali Hazelwood next month, I hope that will make me believe in the power of romcoms again.

Day 2: Tuesday was my last day in Naples before returning to the cold north (I don’t know why I do this to myself. I should move to a warmer place…..) .

I spent the day between friends and family and I had a really lovely time. The thing I was saying about CW52 kept ringing true. The less I think about how I am experiencing the hangout, the more I actually experience it. I have an additional issue with forcing myself to fit a different role for each person I engage with, so it is exhausting sometimes to meet multiple people in the same day. On this particular occasion, however, I just tried being myself, chilling, saying what I was thinking about. Wouldn’t you know, I actually had more fun.

Day 3: travelling day. We were on a train for about 7 hours, so I had to prioritise comfort over fashion.

I started reading an Italian book about sexual liberation that was also recommended to me. The book (which I have since finished) was not particularly good or groundbreaking, but it did make me notice that I tend to set myself arbitrary rules about how a relationship should be that only end up harming me and my relationships. Even mediocre books can give you something!

This was the first time that upon returning home from Naples I didn’t break down crying since I have left that city. It was also, surprisingly, the first time I actually felt that this small flat is actually home, it was almost comforting being back. It’s just that patience was never my strong suit.

Day 4: first day back in the office. God it was so boring…

I slept like shit the night before, I was experiencing a new fun obsession where I was convinced I was never going to be able to sleep again. Sleeping is something that has always given me so much anxiety and the day before the first day has always been a nightmare.

I also could not take breaks throughout the day because all my work besties were so busy, while I was essentially twiddling my thumbs.

I started listening to a new podcast about post-war Italian history, and it is so good. Talking about one’s home country is always tricky, because I don’t want to come off as a patriotic loser, but there is something to be said about belonging.
I love Italy the same way I love my family, I understand its history better than I will ever understand other places, I know the cultural references, the family lexicon of this complicated country that I often hate. Understanding how we became the country that we are is important to me, and if I ever chose to be involved in politics, I have always felt more invested in participating in Italian politics, because I feel a sense of responsibility. I spoke a lot about Italian regionalism in the early newsletters, and I guess realising that Italy was made by every Italian that believed in liberation convinced to never engage in a north vs south debate again, because it was partisans and activists from every corner of this peninsula that ensured I had a country to come home to.

It’s difficult to balance how I feel about Italy with how I felt about Scotland. Two places that mean everything to me, but Scotland never felt mine, I felt like a visiting soul which made ignoring its faults easier, because I had no real roots to it other than who I was before and who I was after.

Day 5: my boyfriend and I went to the arcade after work and on our way back we listened to Hozier’s latest album. “All things end” had me sobbing in the car, because I was still thinking of Edinburgh and Scotland, and that’s a song I dedicated to my old city when I moved.

The thing about living a life like mine (and I don’t say this to be a pretentious wanker, but because I know my upbringing is not common) is that you belong to everyone and to no one at the same time. The world is your home but you long for a place to be yours yet you cannot stand still.

I am always missing places, foods, people; I half-speak languages that will never be useful other than to nurture my heart. But I don’t feel the right to talk about it, because I moved on, I let it go. So why should I say that I miss Edinburgh, I miss Leith, I miss the Botanics, Princes Street, Bus Line 27, Victoria Street, each close and step I walked to become who I am today?

I guess I don’t have a claim to these things, they are not mine. But what I feel for them is and nothing can take away that from me. As Mitski said, “nothing in the world belongs to me by my love, mine all mine”.

THOUGHT OF THE WEEK:

(another poem by yours truly)